Happy Birthday

Hello again.

I know it’s been awhile since we last saw each other.

It’s March 27th and its 12:02 am. It’s really fascinating how the universe will speak to you – if you just pay attention. On my way home tonight, I suddenly had this urge to write. I needed to sit down and do exactly what I’m doing in this very moment. Smoking a bowl, sipping on a white Russian (with almond milk because I’m a health nut – yes I know alcohol is a poison) and jamming out to Jimi Hendrix.

The funny part about all of this is that once I actually got home, I felt like I lost the desire or motivation to sit down and actually write. Something. Anything. It took me 30 minutes to actually get to where I am right now.

I almost decided to call it night and then I said “fuck it”, turned on The Doors, did some push-ups, and thought about my goals and the things I want in this life. Writing is a huge part of my life and it is something I have neglected for far too long. I really want to write more often and have a book published eventually. Anyways.

Its 12:10 now and I’ll get back to the point. I rarely drink but everyone knows I love nature’s medicines. So, I didn’t really know exactly what I wanted to write about – I just knew I needed to write. I took my first drag off my bowl and suddenly realized it was about to be my dad’s birthday. I decided to make a drink and sit with my white Russian and my bowl while I write this.

Speaking of which, I need another hit.

So yeah, it was just before midnight and suddenly I knew what I would write.

I genuinely miss my dad – for all the same reasons as anyone else would of course. But I sit and think about the unique times we’re in and how so much of everything we know is changing and changing not just drastically but also incredibly fast. So much technology has emerged in the last 100 years that you could add all the other pre-dated technology before that we are aware of and it wouldn’t match what we have done.

My dad would have loved the internet. This was a man that if he didn’t know what something was, he would go look it up and if that meant going to the library then so be it.

By the way, I’m aware that the internet was around while my dad was alive – but he worked 12 and sometime 13 hour days as a machinist running his own business – he didn’t care to use the computer unless he had to

Dad always had a funny way of responding to questions that he didn’t know the answer to. His demeanor would never change but he would begin to give you a very detailed, yet sometimes far-fetched, response and you wouldn’t really believe him at first but he would continue on with the explanation and never miss a beat. Eventually, you would either stop him or ask if he was serious, or he would literally fool you.

Then he would laugh and admit his ignorance to the answer and then you would laugh in return.

Anyhow, the universe.

It’s really rather a beautiful yet mysterious thing. I mean, clearly, anyone with an open mind understands there is far more out there than what most people want to believe. This, I believe, is a problem caused by modern day society and government.

People want to shut their minds off to the possibility of what else may or may not be. People have become so mind-washed by the government AND the church that it’s terrifying.

These are not the kinds of people we need leading the world.

These are the same malicious people that have said for almost 100 years that Marijuana is a drug. That it has no medicinal value – despite all the research over this same time frame.

You know what drives me mad. Something I whole heartedly regret.

I genuinely regret not smoking weed earlier in my life. For so many different reasons. It is so incredibly therapeutic – I cannot believe how it has ever been outlawed or even rejected by society.

Despite how this ‘weed’ can physically and mentally help you with emotion and pain – it’s also curing cancer. Marijuana is fucking curing CANCER! If it’s not curing cancer it’s slowing it way the fuck down.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Do people not understand that if these monsters who call themselves our leaders are denying this to the public then it’s time to wake the fuck up.

I, like many others, watched my father waste away before my eyes. Wither apart to nothing. My dad was a short stout man at 5’5 and 216 pounds. When his time came, he was about 120 pounds.

There are images and thoughts in my mind that I wish I could erase. They haunt me. I wish beyond anything I could shake them – see them and throw them out – but I can’t.

They’re there. I have to look back at pictures to remember my dad and not this weird distorted sickly figure that’s in my head.

Oh.

And my dad loved his ganja.

Something I kind of knew but didn’t know the extent of how much until after.

Man, I wish I could have smoked with my dad – or had a drink with him at a bar.

I didn’t drink while my dad was alive. I didn’t do anything. I was this straight-edge kid who did his homework and put all his energy into wrestling.

My parents slaved with their businesses and refused to allow me to have a job – my job was school and wrestling so I could become somebody. So I wouldn’t be just another person.

With that being said, I don’t remember much of my dad’s funeral reception – I drank quite a bit of whiskey and I loved every sip.

It’s time for another drink and another hit.

So where was I? Oh yeah, the whiskey.

Yep – that was a fun night.

Pretty fucked up right? The night of my dad’s funeral reception was fun?

Even sounds fucked when I say it.

I guess I just ignored the pain.

It eats at me.

I learn about people like Brian Cox who is an amazing astrophysicist that has made some very bold, but, incredibly profound thoughts in regards to the history of the world and he has plenty of research and proof to back his claims.

If my dad could sit at the house and listen to a Joe Rogan Experience podcast episode with Brian Cox he would be in heaven.

My dad was not a religious man. Nor was he a spiritual man – something I believe is more socially and culturally caused.

Anyhow, he was fascinated with space and nature but he LOVED space. He was an avid believer in what other kinds of life might be out there.

I never thought to ask him his thoughts on the world and life because frankly, it wasn’t something I was too concerned with.

I was 19 and just finished my freshman year of college – and my dad was slowly dying from cancer.

I had come to realize the silly comfort story that the church offered very early in life, so for much of my younger years I knew that my understanding of the world didn’t fall in line with the idea of God and Christianity.

I think I was 16 when I first started spiritually seeking for truth or knowledge. That’s when I found Buddhism. I still to this day hold my faith to the practice of Buddhism – however, I am not nearly as educated or dedicated as I aspire to be.

But with that being said, back to dad.

Dad loved nature and would fascinate about other life with me when we talked of aliens or just other life.

Dad flat lined once on an ambulance ride to the hospital.

When he was recovered and home later and well-adjusted he said one time that he didn’t know what he saw or felt – but “something was there – something greater than me. I don’t know what it was, but it was there.”

Powerful words to be spoken by a man for whom most his life didn’t believe in the idea of god because of science and was very much an atheist – waiting for proof. My dad followed science. He may have been a redneck but he followed science.

Of course I was immediately curious about what he experienced when I heard what he said.

He would tell me he didn’t believe in the idea of god when I asked but he would say that he definitely believed there was a power that existed.

He didn’t believe it was god or Jesus because if it was, evolution wouldn’t be real.

Dad had a great deal of faith in evolution – again, he followed science.

Dad wasn’t sure of what it was, but, he knew that there something else – he just didn’t know what it was.

Very much like how I didn’t exactly know what I wanted to write about – until I realized it was about to be my dad’s birthday.

Its 1:08 AM.

So with this silly little self-expression and story-telling.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

This one’s for you.

P.S. the tequila will be tonight.

KAS

“My words give me sanity when I can’t think.”