The Pain of Love

It’s a weird place where I sit.

How many “I love yous” have been lost.

How many “I’m sorrys” have been blown away by the wind?

How many suns and moons must we watch?

How does one handle this cold emptiness inside?

There are so many things I wish I would’ve said that I didn’t and many more I wish I didn’t say.

 What is done is done and now we are here. My heart aches every time a memory passes before my eyes. My soul shivers every time I cross your path. My entire being longs for your companionship and yet still, we are here.

You’re there and I am here and soon I will be there and you over there. Soon I will no longer see thee – except by those constant daily reminders that flood my vision on the daily. Memory after memory, I’m never allowed to forget.

 It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, where you are, or what friends I am with. The constant reminder is there. It’s like a mosquito that you keep missing. I just want these memories to go away but they sit and they nag at my consciousness. A constant reminder of what was and what is no longer.

 To take one’s own life is a bit extreme, but I would be a liar if I said I didn’t understand. After all, that is the easier path. To just end the pain and suffering rather than to deal with it, to face it head on. I am not suggesting such a thing – I just understand how some might succumb to the temptation. I mean, this hurt is not like anything I’ve ever experienced before. I could write a novel on this topic and there still would not be enough words to describe the pain.

 The hurt.

The letdowns.

The emptiness.

The loss.

You were my best mate.

I called you my soul mate.

You could never see the truth. You didn’t understand the depth of this love. Perhaps I am crazy for how madly in love I am.

 What is it that I could do so wrong?

How do you make the one you love the most see the truth of the love?

 What action does one take and what words do they use?

I poured every ounce of my soul into you.

 Into us.

In the team.

Into the future.

But it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t do enough right. I do not know what I did so wrong to be pushed away daily. To constantly be reminded I was not succeeding in making you happy. A queen needs her king and I was quick to fill that void and you were just as quick to make sure I knew it wasn’t me. Glances that looked off in the distance of uncertainty, yet it was I who was the accused.

 I don’t think I could have changed anything, but I still did wrong.

Was making breakfast every morning not enough?

Was being 100% committed not enough?

 Was the constant support too much?

Was it all too real?

I bowed to one knee -  only to watch you flee.

That was the moment.

That was the stroke that caused the shatter.

 I was all in - now baby it’s just a could’ve been.

My head spins and my heart yearns for your touch and my soul is lost.

 I’m trying to ground myself.

To find steady ground.

To find fresh air.

But god damn, it fucking hurts.

 I walk around with this facade of life being great and good and happy and the truth? Well the truth isn’t quite as nice. The truth is, I’m crushed and I’m not sure I know how to repair it. If it can be repaired, I don’t know how.

 I’m still alive and I’m trying but god, sometimes, I wish I could just curl up and give in. Tap out. It’s been a long ten years. 10 years of worrying about and taking care of others and forgetting the self.

 You were the saving grace. The light at the end of the tunnel – then it was ripped from me like a storm ripping a baby sapling from the ground.

Damage that can never be undone.

How does one live on after this?

 How does one continue forward?

Yeah, I have my goals and I have my dreams but even if I accomplish those – it won’t mean much without you by my side. The truth is, you were my rock. You couldn’t see it or admit it but you were. Now we’re here.

You're there.

You abandon me only to live a life that has crushed any remaining light.

 I had hope once and now that has been destroyed. I am not sure I can ever move on. I’m not sure I can open up again. My heart and my soul are in distress and I’m trying my best to make amends but the truth is, there is nothing that can fix these broken shards of glass.

Damage is irreversible.

 Once done, it can heal, but the scar tissue will always remain. I’m not even sure my heart is able to work. I think it’s a mass of scar tissue. That’s one of the side effects of being an emotional Pisces. You get used, stepped on, and you get hurt. We care too much. I hate it sometimes. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m taking a massive gamble and for that I couldn’t be happier, but without you, it almost seems pointless.

It was with you that I made these plans a year ago. Now we are here and it’s me going forward with these same plans. I do not know what it is that I hope to accomplish or find but they were our plans – there is a sick pleasure in living out this last road trip, regardless if you’re a part of it or not.

I will always love you and you will always have the key.

You were always the one.

It was always you.

You were always the one I wanted.

My heart is yours.

Please handle with care.

There isn’t much left to break.